I hate this time of year.
I will admit there is a part of me that loves the crisp night air. The warm baked goods flavored with apple and pumpkin. The smile on my sons face as he runs through a corn maze.
But as the Halloween decorations go up and the knee boots come out, I get depressed.
For years Fall just meant that Winter was around the corner. And Winter means long, dark nights. Overcast skies. Freezing toes. Winter is cold and harsh. For some reason I can't separate Fall from Winter. They go hand and hand.
This Fall is particularly difficult for me. Last year, a day or two before Halloween, I left my husband. Unwilling to continue living the way we were living I packed some things, loaded Rocco in the car, and settled into my parents guest room.
Last Fall would be the last time I kissed Eric good night. The last time we would sleep in the same house. The last time I would listen to him snore. Wash his socks. Bring him a cup of coffee. It would be the last time Rocco had his Mommy and Daddy together.
Rocco and I went Trick or Treating by ourselves last year. We spend Thanksgiving without Eric. We went to our annual Christmas Eve festivity solo. We rang in the new year...just the two of us. The whole time crammed into my parents little guest room, trying to carry on like things were going to be OK.
And of course they are OK. They always are. But I didn't necessarily believe that while I was living it. I was in more pain than I have ever been in my life. I don't know if I have ever cried so much or so often. The anxiety and stress I was feeling was crippling. And while life is no longer like that today, the sounds, the smells, the visions of Fall are bringing those unpleasant memories back.
I am really fucking sad. I'm still extremely angry. The life I built, or thought I was building, came crashing down around me. I was able to pick up the pieces that I wanted and toss the rest. But I'm still filled with a lot of unresolved feelings. Feelings about being lied to. Feelings about losing my partner. Feelings about the vows I took on my wedding day. Feelings about moving on. Feelings about being divorced. Feelings about now trying to raise my son with someone I feel like I don't know. Don't trust. Someone that I love. Someone that I hate. It is all so conflicting and confusing. And annoying.
I don't really feel sorry for myself. I made choices in life that brought me to where I am today. And as hard as it was to get here, I'm glad I'm here. However, I think it is important to acknowledge that I am sad. It breaks my heart when Rocco says 'goodbye' to his dad at the end of their weekend together. It wasn't suppose to be like that. I hate that I can't look Eric in the eye anymore. It makes me so uncomfortable. It makes me sad that Rocco will not get to spend holidays with BOTH of his parents and have to go from house to house and be shared.
Fall has never been a friend of mine. Now it is reminiscent of the darkest time of my life. I know I will get through it. I can't imagine it ever getting any worse than it was a year ago. But I never saw that coming either...
So, I guess I'll just do what I did last year. I'll take Rocco Trick or Treating.
