Recently I went to IXL in Rhinebeck to take my favorite class with my favorite instructor, Jen. I walked in a little late. I took off my coat and shoes, put my hair up, and headed for my 'spot' - to Jen's left in the front row.
In the mirror I could see the woman behind me getting closer. She asked, "Could you move over?" I was blocking her ability to see herself in the mirror. I'm abnormally territorial and wondered why she didn't move over. I moved over and ended up standing where the two mirrors meet which completely distorts what you see. More so than my already distorted view of myself.
While we warmed up I realized I recognized this woman. I have not seen or thought about her in almost 20 years. But I have thought of her often since that night a few weeks ago. She definitely kicked up some shit.
When I was 20 years old I worked at Gold's Gym selling memberships. . The owner of the gym said he needed 'someone attractive' to go out into the community and represent the gym. To this day I wonder if his idea of 'someone attractive' was a 5 foot 7 inch girl who weighed under 100 pounds and why anyone would buy a gym membership from someone looking like that. Whatever. I just needed money to buy cigarettes.
I loved working at Gold's because I got to work out for free. I was extremely unhealthy at this time in my life and although I was smoking, drinking, and starving myself, I think the exercise helped a little. However, it was a challenging environment for a mentally and physically unstable 20 year old. The men at the gym loved me. I was young, cute, flirtatious, and had no concept of boundaries. The women at the gym hated me. I was young, cute, flirtations, and had no concept of boundaries.
A few of the women I worked with were very rude to me. There were times they would try to steal sales from me and blame me for work related mishaps. The general manager was constantly trying to compete with me which I found kind of annoying. Many of the women who were members at the gym were equally as mean. This woman who was now standing behind me in Barefoot Bunz was one of those women.
I do not remember her name. Yet I remember her coming into the gym wearing a full length fur coat with two little boys in tow. She came almost daily. She didn't engage in much exercise while she was there. My guess is that it would mess up either her hair or her makeup. She had a perfect tan year round. My assumption was that she did not work. She would whisper to her posse of other 40 something housewives when I walked by. I remember alot of eye rolling. Some of the gossip got back to me from a few male employees I was friendly with. I don't remember exactly what the hostility was about. But my guess is that it was about nothing more than my age.
I forgot all about this woman until I watched her in the mirror behind me. Struggling to do burpees. Unable to hold warrior pose. Stopping to towel off the sweat on her forehead every other drill. She still had a nice tan. Her outfit matched perfectly. I kept wondering if she would recognize me in the mirror. Why would she? I'm sure I did not have a profound effect on her.
It is interesting to realize that I have a resentment with a stranger and the resentment isn't really about her specifically. It is about all of the older, theoretically wiser, women who were catty and bitchy to me when I was clearly in need of some help. Rather than try and reach out to me and give me some guidance they chose to mock me and make me feel small. These were grown women. Women who were the age I am now. What an immature way of behaving. Shameful really.
Part of me wanted to turn around and address her. To ask her if she remembered me. And remind her that I am still 20 years younger than her. But that would be catty and bitchy and make me just as bad as her.
I wanted to comment on your last post and say that writing memoir is actually helpful to not only you but the reader. For instance, I recently read Glass Castle and immediately felt better about my childhood. Reading of other's experiences is helpful with gaining some perspective so yes, it is narcissistic but at the same time helpful. K, that's that.
ReplyDeleteYour gym experience reminds me of, well, my experience which was similar. This is what we get from living in the same place all our lives. There's a lot of opportunity for growth when faced with situations that can only come from growing from kid to adult in one place. There are quite a few woman who were so mean and judgmental to me when I became a teenage mother. So outwardly mean. I thought the same thing, I need support, I know I made foolish choices but where was the village when I was on my own at 13? Why didn't my school know instead of berating me and punishing me? These woman that were mean to me are now my customers and I'll never get used to it. What all of this does to me is remind me to never judge( of course I have to remind myself often)and look deeper into what it seems on the surface. You may've thought those ladies felt better than you but they may've just wished they were skinnier and younger, like you. And you said you felt unhealthy and in need of guidance and that may not at all what they saw. Human nature is pretty fucked up or fun and exciting if you're in the mood. I love you Kelli! Keep writing and keep being an awesome mom and keep following your heart.