chotchkies

Today is one of those days I wish I had a partner.
I'm in bed.  Chest congestion.  Runny nose.  Terrible night of rest.  At 5:45 it starts.
"Mommy...Mommy....MOMMY!"
My favorite word slowly and more loudly becomes the worst sound in the world.
I do not want to leave my bed.
I do not want to turn the kitchen light on to fill a bottle of milk.
I don't have the energy or brain power to measure coffee, pour water, and then wait...
I think it would be great if Daddy could get up and do all of this.  But there isn't a Daddy in our house.  And while I am just fine with this fact 99% of the time, I can't help but selfishly think how much easier it would be if I had a partner.

I have found myself saying "I didn't sign up for this" or "This wasn't part of the plan" more often lately.  And I realize nothing ever goes according to plan.  Things happen.  Plans change.  People get divorced.  I did not go into my marriage thinking it would end.  I'm not sure anyone does.  Yet, here I am and it sometimes seems surreal.  I wonder how this happened.  And while I know exactly how it happened, I still feel like I am having an out of body experience when I take a step back and examine my life.

So, I tried to call to Rocco from my room but I had no voice due to the above mentioned chest congestion.  I shuffled into his room and turned on his light.  There he stood, arms outstretched saying, "Uppy! Uppy!"  I picked him up and was given my morning hug and kiss which I no longer have to ask for.

This morning I was knee deep in laundry.  I had a bag full of birthday party crafts I wanted to work on.  The playroom closet is full of boxes I hoped to get unpacked before the birthday party next week.  While I try to tackle these tasks, Rocco is climbing on my back.  Unfolding all of my newly folded sheets.  Trampling over picture frames and chotchkies I'm too tired to find homes for.  I can't wait for nap time so I can rest as well.  Although, I really should be finding homes for those chotchkies.

I feel selfish and a bit guilty when I resent my single parenthood.  I feel badly that I don't want to get up to be with my son at 6am.  He doesn't understand that I don't feel well and he is too young to get up by himself.  Maybe when he is a teenager I will have an opportunity to sleep in.

I am in NO way raising this child on my own.  My parents are his other parent.  Rocco spends just as much time with them while I work.  And I am lucky they are able to watch him while I go to the gym, or drug store, or therapy.  I also have friends who help me and help guide him to be a good young man with manners and integrity.  That I don't know he would have gotten in the 2 parent household he was born into.

The best thing about being a single parent is that I am everything to him.  That sounds selfish, too.  But I'm IT.  I'm the 'go to' person.  "Mommy do it, Mommy do it".  Sometimes Mommy doesn't want to do it.  But Mommy will because Mommy wants Rocco to know that she will never leave him.  Always be here.  Do whatever he needs her to do.

I believe our bond is stronger because I'm the ONLY primary caregiver.  He wakes up with me and goes to sleep at night with me.  We are a family.  A small one.  But a family nonetheless.  We are roommates.  We are a team.

So, yeah....this ISN'T what I signed up for.  But I'm pretty happy with what I've got.