I am SO glad 2012 is coming to an end.
I hate 2012.
Many of you have heard me say this periodically throughout the past year.
I've wondered if the Mayan's meant that 2012 would NOT be the end of time but that peoples individual worlds would come to an end.
Ok, so my 'world' did not come to an end.
But it has certainly been turned upside down.
2012 started with my ex husbands strange, bizarre illness. One I went to great lengths to try and get treated. Months later I discovered he did not have an unexplained illness - he was getting high.
During all of this I lost one of my dearest friends, John Healies.
His death was a pretty significant loss for me. It continues to be. John would have been one of the shoulders I cried on this year had he been here. I think of him daily and speak to him often.
My cat, Julius, died in my arms after 14 years together. Throughout my many moves up and down the East coast, all of my relationships, jobs, friends, and the drama that accompanied them all, Julius was always by my side. My first baby. The only constant I have known in my adulthood.
I am currently in the midst of a real estate closing from Hell. Buying a house is one of the better parts of my year but the process has been a nightmare at times.
I'm closing my year with a divorce. Yes. A fucking divorce. It doesn't even seem real most of the time. I have a hard time processing that I even got married now I am trying to wrap my brain around that fact that I am a divorcee. With a toddler. How fun.
All of these unplanned and unforeseen events have led me to the verge of a total meltdown. I am not smoking. I am not starving myself. I am not drinking or doing drugs. And I don't quite know what to do with myself.
Depression is totally kicking my ass. I walk around in a constant state of anxiety. I'm having full blown panic attacks for the first time in YEARS. It has been discouraging and scary. I often feel like the 98lb drunk girl who hasn't eaten in three days and is on her 2nd pack of cigarettes for the day.
But I am NOT that girl. I do not know what I weigh because I haven't weighed myself since before I was pregnant. I eat. And I eat. Because food is nourishment and Lord knows I need it.
I have quality friends to talk to.
I have people who inspire me to be in my body and challenge it.
I have a therapist and a 12 Step program to work.
I have a Higher Power.
I have a beautiful son whom I need to be strong for.
I'm employed. I have a clean drivers license. I have 2 professional licences.
So, why do I feel so sick and defeated?...
Because 2012 has sucked.
There has been a tremendous amount of loss. An insane amount of stress. An abundance of adversity. And I have stayed in bed. And called into work. And not answered my phone. And made emergency calls to my sponsor. And seen my therapist more than normal. And cried in my pillow. And eaten too much chocolate.
And I have faith that I will get through it. There is more in store for me.
2013 is the year of the new home. A home for me and my son. That I get to create and tend to.
2013 is the year of reinventing myself. As a single mom. As the head of my humble household. As the woman who took a chance on love and doesn't regret a minute of it even though it did not work out.
2013 is the year of conscious contact with my Higher Power. Because I can't help but think things may have been easier for me this year had I been a little more vigilant.
2013 is the year of weeding out the negativity and setting boundaries with people who bring nothing to the table.
I will be in bed by midnight tomorrow. It's amateur night.
Happy New Year to you.
