I've decided to delete my Facebook account.
Facebook is not good for me.
I plan to dedicate more time to my 3 blogs instead. At least they give me an opportunity to be a little bit creating and insightful at times.
All Facebook does is make me angry(er). I don't need that in 2014.
I do not have cable. So, while all of you are watching television I am reading Facebook statuses.
Instead of Breaking Bad, Weeds, and The Soprano's (oh, wait...that was 10 years ago) I have Facebook.
I probably spend the same amount of time on Facebook that everyone else spends in front of the TV. Facebook is my mindless entertainment.
There is a part of me that enjoys seeing everyone's wedding photos and hearing of your latest vacation. But for every engagement photo and shot of a newborn baby there is an underdressed teenage selfie. Or an underdressed 40 something selfie. I don't know what is worse.
Facebook is not good for my patience or tolerance. I find myself disgusted and angry on a daily basis watching posts pop up on my newsfeed shaming others. I'm guilty of it, too. I'm the most judgmental person on the planet. Something I try and be mindful of and try hard to correct. But Facebook makes it difficult. It reminds me that we live in a world of fearful, self righteous, racist, homophobic, grandiose, conservative freaks and it makes ME fearful. I'm trying to raise a kid in this fucked up world. And my kid is going to end up in school with YOUR kid. And the first time he comes home and repeats the word 'faggot' or 'spic' I am going to come to your fucking house, rob you of the gun you so proudly own, and beat you with it.
See?!
I'm angry and judgmental just TALKING about it.
So....I'm going to blog.
I'm going to blog about Rocco at roccobyebaby.blogspot.com.
I'm going to write about my great thrift store finds and coupon scores at 2ndhandmama.blogspot.com
The rest of my ramblings can be found here.
Follow them if you like.
If you don't, it's is ok. I'm over 'friending' and 'defriending' and 'blocking' and the obligatory friend request. I think I'm getting old.
This year my resolution is to be a better person.
In order to accomplish this it is best for me to bite my tongue.
Happy Fucking New Year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Divorceaversary
I have been so happy this Christmas season.
Rocco is more fun than he has been in the past. He is interested in Santa, the snow, singing Christmas songs. He is the perfect age to be mesmerized by the magic of Christmas.
That feeling of joy really startles me at times. I'm tremendously grateful for it. Because last year at Christmas things were a mess.
I was stuffed in my parents guest room with my son. I spent 40 hours a week at a job I hated. And I was newly divorced.
I don't know why I decided to find my divorce papers this morning. While I was getting ready for work I thought that is was right before Christmas last year my divorce was final.
I dug them out of the drawer I keep them in with Rocco's birth certificate and my social work license.
December 18th.
Happy Divorceaversary to me!
So weird that today is the day I got curious. And it happens to be the anniversary date of one of the saddest things in my life.
When I married Eric I took my vows seriously. It had taken me 34 years to finally be able to commit to someone. I had every intention of staying with him. In sickness and in health. For better or worse.
But he just kept getting sicker and sicker. And it kept getting worse.
I encounter married couples all of the time who stick it out through substance abuse. Infidelity. Betrayal. I think, "Is that what I was suppose to do?"
Was I wrong for divorcing my husband? Should I have given him another opportunity to get sober? Should I have stayed by my man because I promised I would before God?
Maybe....
But I didn't. I don't think that life is what God wanted for me. Or him.
Watching the person you love slowly kill themselves is probably one of the worst things you can ever witness.
I divorced Eric for my sanity. Most of my life was spent in unhealthy relationships or situations. I did not get sober and work my ass off to become something to continue the same pattern of sickness.
But I also divorced him for Rocco. I refuse to raise my son in an environment that is unhappy and unhealthy. Not to mention unsafe. I will not have my son around active addiction. And thank God I was able to put my son before my relationship.
I'm sad things didn't work out with Eric. I loved him. I loved him enough to marry him. I also had his child. And for that I am grateful. Because without Eric there would be no Rocco.
But I'm also sad that I'm divorced. I'm not ashamed to say I have feelings about that and the institution of marriage.
To me divorced is like I big, fat, circled F written in red pen on a test you studied hard for.
Failure.
My parents have been married 52 years.
I could only manage to make my marriage last for 2 years.
I have some shame I need to put aside on that one. When I get over how angry I am at my ex-husband for what I feel he did to us and our family.
People ask if I think I'll ever get married again.
I fantasize about it. I guess somewhere inside of me is a naïve, romantic who is drawn to 'happily ever after'. But I figure, I waited a long time to get married. I tried it once. Look how it turned out. Who is to say that wont happen again?
I don't know if I'm meant to mate for life. Maybe that was the problem to begin with. I'm so incapable of true intimacy and trust that I should not have even gotten married to begin with. Maybe I am too quick to walk away from things. I don't know. But it scares me to think I may spend the rest of my life alone. Which I would do in a heartbeat before I would relive the nightmare that was the last year and a half of being married.
This Christmas I am happy. I'm in love. I feel safe. I enjoy what I do for work. I am amazed by this boy that is growing before my eyes. I'm truly blessed.
But I am angry. I am sad. I wish things had been different. I wish Rocco did not have to wake up without his Daddy on Christmas morning. I am angry about the shattered dreams. Broken promises. That my bitter 'you can't trust anyone' attitude was right on the money.
RIP Kelli Gilmore and Eric Fortuna. Happy 1st Divorceaversary.
Rocco is more fun than he has been in the past. He is interested in Santa, the snow, singing Christmas songs. He is the perfect age to be mesmerized by the magic of Christmas.
That feeling of joy really startles me at times. I'm tremendously grateful for it. Because last year at Christmas things were a mess.
I was stuffed in my parents guest room with my son. I spent 40 hours a week at a job I hated. And I was newly divorced.
I don't know why I decided to find my divorce papers this morning. While I was getting ready for work I thought that is was right before Christmas last year my divorce was final.
I dug them out of the drawer I keep them in with Rocco's birth certificate and my social work license.
December 18th.
Happy Divorceaversary to me!
So weird that today is the day I got curious. And it happens to be the anniversary date of one of the saddest things in my life.
When I married Eric I took my vows seriously. It had taken me 34 years to finally be able to commit to someone. I had every intention of staying with him. In sickness and in health. For better or worse.
But he just kept getting sicker and sicker. And it kept getting worse.
I encounter married couples all of the time who stick it out through substance abuse. Infidelity. Betrayal. I think, "Is that what I was suppose to do?"
Was I wrong for divorcing my husband? Should I have given him another opportunity to get sober? Should I have stayed by my man because I promised I would before God?
Maybe....
But I didn't. I don't think that life is what God wanted for me. Or him.
Watching the person you love slowly kill themselves is probably one of the worst things you can ever witness.
I divorced Eric for my sanity. Most of my life was spent in unhealthy relationships or situations. I did not get sober and work my ass off to become something to continue the same pattern of sickness.
But I also divorced him for Rocco. I refuse to raise my son in an environment that is unhappy and unhealthy. Not to mention unsafe. I will not have my son around active addiction. And thank God I was able to put my son before my relationship.
I'm sad things didn't work out with Eric. I loved him. I loved him enough to marry him. I also had his child. And for that I am grateful. Because without Eric there would be no Rocco.
But I'm also sad that I'm divorced. I'm not ashamed to say I have feelings about that and the institution of marriage.
To me divorced is like I big, fat, circled F written in red pen on a test you studied hard for.
Failure.
My parents have been married 52 years.
I could only manage to make my marriage last for 2 years.
I have some shame I need to put aside on that one. When I get over how angry I am at my ex-husband for what I feel he did to us and our family.
People ask if I think I'll ever get married again.
I fantasize about it. I guess somewhere inside of me is a naïve, romantic who is drawn to 'happily ever after'. But I figure, I waited a long time to get married. I tried it once. Look how it turned out. Who is to say that wont happen again?
I don't know if I'm meant to mate for life. Maybe that was the problem to begin with. I'm so incapable of true intimacy and trust that I should not have even gotten married to begin with. Maybe I am too quick to walk away from things. I don't know. But it scares me to think I may spend the rest of my life alone. Which I would do in a heartbeat before I would relive the nightmare that was the last year and a half of being married.
This Christmas I am happy. I'm in love. I feel safe. I enjoy what I do for work. I am amazed by this boy that is growing before my eyes. I'm truly blessed.
But I am angry. I am sad. I wish things had been different. I wish Rocco did not have to wake up without his Daddy on Christmas morning. I am angry about the shattered dreams. Broken promises. That my bitter 'you can't trust anyone' attitude was right on the money.
RIP Kelli Gilmore and Eric Fortuna. Happy 1st Divorceaversary.
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