Divorceaversary

I have been so happy this Christmas season. 
Rocco is more fun than he has been in the past.  He is interested in Santa, the snow, singing Christmas songs.  He is the perfect age to be mesmerized by the magic of Christmas.
That feeling of joy really startles me at times.  I'm tremendously grateful for it.  Because last year at Christmas things were a mess. 
I was stuffed in my parents guest room with my son.  I spent 40 hours a week at a job I hated.  And I was newly divorced.
I don't know why I decided to find my divorce papers this morning.  While I was getting ready for work I thought that is was right before Christmas last year my divorce was final. 
I dug them out of the drawer I keep them in with Rocco's birth certificate and my social work license. 
December 18th. 
Happy Divorceaversary to me! 
So weird that today is the day I got curious.  And it happens to be the anniversary date of one of the saddest things in my life. 
When I married Eric I took my vows seriously.  It had taken me 34 years to finally be able to commit to someone.  I had every intention of staying with him.  In sickness and in health.  For better or worse. 
But he just kept getting sicker and sicker.  And it kept getting worse.
I encounter married couples all of the time who stick it out through substance abuse.  Infidelity. Betrayal.  I think, "Is that what I was suppose to do?" 
Was I wrong for divorcing my husband? Should I have given him another opportunity to get sober?  Should I have stayed by my man because I promised I would before God? 
Maybe....
But I didn't.  I don't think that life is what God wanted for me.  Or him.
Watching the person you love slowly kill themselves is probably one of the worst things you can ever witness. 
I divorced Eric for my sanity.  Most of my life was spent in unhealthy relationships or situations.  I did not get sober and work my ass off to become something to continue the same pattern of sickness.
But I also divorced him for Rocco.  I refuse to raise my son in an environment that is unhappy and unhealthy.  Not to mention unsafe.  I will not have my son around active addiction.  And thank God I was able to put my son before my relationship. 
I'm sad things didn't work out with Eric.  I loved him.  I loved him enough to marry him.  I also had his child.  And for that I am grateful.  Because without Eric there would be no Rocco.
But I'm also sad that I'm divorced.  I'm not ashamed to say I have feelings about that and the institution of marriage. 
To me divorced is like I big, fat, circled F written in red pen on a test you studied hard for. 
Failure. 
My parents have been married 52  years. 
I could only manage to make my marriage last for 2 years. 
I have some shame I need to put aside on that one.  When I get over how angry I am at my ex-husband for what I feel he did to us and our family. 
People ask if I think I'll ever get married again.
I fantasize about it.  I guess somewhere inside of me is a naïve, romantic who is drawn to 'happily ever after'.  But I figure, I waited a long time to get married.  I tried it once.  Look how it turned out.  Who is to say that wont happen again? 
I don't know if I'm meant to mate for life.  Maybe that was the problem to begin with.  I'm so incapable of true intimacy and trust that I should not have even gotten married to begin with.  Maybe I am too quick to walk away from things.  I don't know.  But it scares me to think I may spend the rest of my life alone.   Which I would do in a heartbeat before I would relive the nightmare that was the last year and a half of being married. 
This Christmas I am happy.  I'm in love.  I feel safe.  I enjoy what I do for work. I am amazed by this boy that is growing before my eyes.  I'm truly blessed.   
But I am angry.  I am sad.  I wish things had been different.  I wish Rocco did not have to wake up without his Daddy on Christmas morning.  I am angry about the shattered dreams.  Broken promises.  That my bitter 'you can't trust anyone' attitude was right on the money. 
RIP Kelli Gilmore and Eric Fortuna.  Happy 1st Divorceaversary.