I assume most of the people who read this follow the link I post on Facebook. Anyone who is my 'friend' on Facebook knows that I have been shamelessly promoting the hell out of a fundraising walk I am doing in September for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
The support and response has been amazing. I'm walking with a team from work. My guess is that most people who see that I'm doing this walk just assume that it is because I work for a mental health agency or that it is because I'm a social worker. But there is a back story.
Part of the 12 step program I work is making direct amends to those I have harmed except when doing so would harm them.
There is a man on my amend list that I dated briefly. I was much younger than him and drinking quite heavily. We had very little in common except we were both pretty unstable. The relationship was really unhealthy and impulsive. It ended badly after only a few months but the after break up drama went on for the Spring and Summer to follow. Neither one of us was very nice or respectful to the other. We never spoke again.
A few years into my sobriety I got a phone call from an mutual friend saying the guy I dated had shot himself. He was dead.
I was saddened by his death but it was not a significant loss for me. He was in and out of my life in the blink of an eye. Not to mention, I was inebriated for most of our relationship. I had no feelings for this person. Just feelings anyone would have when they realize someone is so sad and hopeless they see no other option then to end it all.
I also had a tremendous feeling of regret. I was not going to get the opportunity to make my amend. To make things right. To offer an apology. It was unsettling.
A year or so after his death I stumbled upon the Out of the Darkness Walk. I have no recollection of how that happened. I remember sitting on the couch in my old house and looking at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. The walk was in Hudson that year. I realized this was my opportunity to make things right with that ex boyfriend. I would raise money and bring attention to the cause. I registered and started promoting it on Facebook. I raised $460 of my $500 goal.
The day of the walk I considered not going. I was pregnant at that point and very tired. It was a Sunday morning and I kind of wanted to stay in my pajamas but an acquaintance of mine was going to be walking with me so I did the right thing and headed to Hudson.
Registration was at a park on the water and it was a gorgeous, sunny day in early Fall. I was celebrating my 5 year anniversary at a meeting that night. I signed in and wrote down the name of the person I was walking for. His name was read during the opening ceremony along with a few hundred other names.
There was a tremendous amount of laughter and happiness. However, there was an overwhelming feeling of sorrow which took me by surprise. Maybe is was the pregnancy. Or maybe I was more effected by this death than I thought.
There were memorial posters and several quilts with photos and quotes. All of which were very moving. I wrote my ex boyfriends name on a huge piece of poster board. I didn't know his date of birth OR his date of death. But I guess that wasn't important at the time.
I looked around for the woman who was going to walk with and there was no sign of her. I took a seat on the sidewalk while I listened to a few guest speakers. I was sitting next to a middle aged woman and what I assumed what her 20 something daughter. The two held on to each other and shared some softly spoken words. I can't remember exactly what they were saying but I was able to deduce that it was the girls father who had committed suicide. I had an insane urge to hold her.
After everyone let balloons go the walk started. My friend never showed up and I was initially pissed off. I started walking and I started sobbing. The kind of crying where you can't catch your breath. The energy level and emotions around me where incredibly intense. Then I was glad I was alone. It became clear that this was something I needed to do by myself. It was a spiritual experience. I was improving my conscious contact with my Higher Power. I was doing the 11th step as well as the 9th.
I went home. Shared about it with my then husband. I had a celebratory dinner for my recovery like I do every year with my parents. I cried when I told them about my day. That experience was something I will never forget. And it was an amend that was so much more meaningful than telling someone 'I'm sorry'. It had a profound impact on me.
So, when I got the interoffice email about the team forming at work I immediately signed up. My goal is to raise $500. I may try and bump it up to $1000 since the walk isn't until September and I've already been fortunate enough to collect $440.
Having recently come out of my own darkness I can't help but think what I would have done had I not had my family and friends around to support me at the time. And then I think about the kid in high school who was attractive and smart and popular who was found dead in the woods. And the adorable young man I used to see walking around the village with a smile on his face and the world at his fingertips who took HIS life just a few years ago. I work with people on a daily basis who have tried to take their own lives. Many of them more than once.
My heart goes out to the loved ones left behind who must be wondering if they could have done something different. People beating themselves up for not saying something sooner. Survivors with broken hearts looking for a way to make things right.
This walk may not bring any of those people back. But maybe it is a way to keep it from happening to someone else.
