My last drunk....

Today marks the 8th anniversary of my 'last drunk'.  We sober alcoholics don't say our last drink.  I've never in my life had one drink.  When I drank I got drunk.  And I haven't been drunk in 8 years. 

Well....8 years tomorrow.  8 years ago today, I was hammered.

Something I've learned in the 12 step program I work is not to regret my past.  For the most part I do not.  It took me a long time not to cringe when I thought of certain things I did or the places drugs and alcohol took me.  I had to do a tremendous amount of work on myself and make amends to many people before I was able to look back at some of my past behavior and feel OK.

When I think about the last night I drank I get very uncomfortable.  I was an asshole.  Irresponsible. Inappropriate. Selfish.  Rude. Obnoxious. Mean. Insulting. Careless.  Need I go on?

And the reality is I was all of these things on a daily basis for the 15 years I spent drunk.  Ok...I wasn't drunk for 15 years straight.  I was high some of that time.  Or staving myself.  Or in a crazy relationship.  Something to get out of myself.  Whether I was drunk or not the attitudes and behaviors of an alcoholic were still there and kicking me in my ass on a daily basis. 

I've been doing some reflecting lately.  Who am I kidding?  I've been in a constant state of thought for over a year now.  But as my anniversary has been approaching my thoughts have been more focused my sobriety.  Many of my friends in AA say they get 'squirrely' around their anniversary date.  From what I understand it is pretty common to criticize oneself and ones program of recovery at this time. 

Today I found myself thinking about my last drunk.  I made a complete fool out of myself while working.  I drank on the job all of the time when I worked in the restaurant business.  I tried to keep a nice steady buzz until it was time to clock out and really drink.  This night I got hammered.  Again.... It was just another night of inebriation for me.  Why should work get in the way?  My hostage, I mean boyfriend, was working with me and I can remember bits and pieces of the two of us fighting.  Him shaking his head in disappointment once more. 

Thinking of what details I remember make me shake my head in disappointment.  Ugh..."but I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". 

I am not having an 'official' celebration this year.  I go to meetings when I can get a free hour and have not felt connected to one particular group.  Plus, I'm judging me so everyone else must be judging me too, right?  I also understand that an anniversary celebration is not about me it is to show the new comer how it works.  But you know what?  I'm going to be a selfish alcoholic this year and make it about me.

I made amends to the boss I had 8 years ago on that last night.  There are people in my life today that were around that night who probably have no idea how significant that night was.  How much my life has changed since then.  What I have tried to become.  Successful in some of my endeavors but a failure at others.

Tomorrow is my sobriety date. 
It is my mothers birthday.
It is 9-11.
Today I have gratitude.